I didn’t realize until a few weeks ago what brought me to yoga. The lightbulb went off when my husband and I were driving home one evening. And I laughed out loud when it dawned on me. The main reason why I practice yoga and wanted so badly to become a certified yoga teacher is because of the darkest period of my life so far. The last four years.
Outside of our close friends and family or anyone willing to share their story, we have kept this bottled up over those four years. Hidden from just about everyone. And I have shoved this experience so far into the darkest corners of my being that I have built a nice little cave around my heart. Only those closest to me are allowed to come in and even then I don’t let them get very close.
But I’m done. I can’t hide behind my shame and fear of judgement any longer. Why should I? I have nothing to be ashamed of but yet society makes me feel that way. And quite frankly I don’t give a shit what society thinks, not anymore, because the only thing that truly matters is how I feel.
And right now I want to get this off my chest so I can move forward. No longer carry the burden around, because you know what – it’s heavy and more importantly no longer serves me.
Before we get started let me say this. I’m not sharing because I want your pity. Nope. No pity needed here. No judgement either. I’m sharing because I hope it helps someone else. Because no one should go through this alone, not now, not ever. It’s too painful to hide behind. And we’re stronger when we connect with each other, when we are supportive of one another, do our best to understand, and just be there to listen.
Here goes the part where I let you in my cave. Where I crack the door ever so slightly and let my vulnerability escape through the sliver of light.
We have been moving beyond infertility. There I said it. INFERTILITY. Now in all caps.
Man, why is that so hard to type or say out loud? That’s what I keep asking myself. Why do I feel ashamed? Why have I been so afraid of sharing this news? I know I’m not alone so what is holding me back?
Maybe because every single time someones asks me “do you have kids?” I cringe. Or better yet “could you be pregnant?” The answer is always no. And it’s an answer we have to live with the rest of our lives because we chose to live childfree. I accept that decision. There’s no going back, especially since I turn 40 in one week (eek!). But what I don’t accept is continuing to feel shitty about myself. The next time someone asks me one of those questions or any of the other silly kid related questions like “have you considered adoption,” I’m going to stand in my truth and not feel guilty about my response. Period.
I’m no longer playing it safe when it comes to moving beyond infertility. I’m no longer hiding my heart within the cave I built. And I’m no longer making excuses or holding my tongue. I’m moving beyond what no longer serves me. I’m stepping from the darkness of the last four years into light shining brightly all around me. I’m living in my authenticity. I’m living wholeheartedly by daring greatly.
Going back to being connected. Seriously, if anyone is feeling alone, needs a hug or a listening ear, let me know. I’m over here in Durham if you need to chat. Just reach out.